Husbands Who Suck At Telling Stories
by bettercrazythanboring
Summary: ATTENTION: THE OC IN THIS FIC IS NOT AN OC BUT IN FACT COFFEE POT GUY! Yes. Coffee Pot Guy. Whom I named Allan. Who doesn't have his own character to list. Kaldur/Coffe Pot Guy. (Kaffee.) It's a thing now. I was as surprised as you are right now. This ties in with the canon. DC Marriage Week Day 3: Gay Marriage.


Neither of them really know how it happened.

* * *

When they tell the story at their engagement party, it goes like this:

Allan was among the first Manta troops Kaldur ever met on his undercover mission. No big deal, just one more nameless helmet-head. There was no love at first sight, no magical zing to tie them for life… or even really notice each other.

Kaldur called him by the wrong name six times—Allan remembers because one of them was when Kal introduced him to Tigress—simply because he couldn't tell all the dozens of henchmen apart just by their voice.

Helmet Heads. Get it? 'Cause you can never see their faces.

(Allan jabs him with an elbow at that remark and takes the mic.)

Black Manta's soldiers are notorious for not taking any downtime; always have been. Twelve hour shifts, six hours of sleep on the dot, zero personal calls, and an entire facility on the submarine devoted to coffee.

Helmet heads love their coffee.

That's where everything changed, really.

Allan had been a barista in training when the economy collapsed and he went broke. So much potential wasted, his dad would say in the weeks before the boy applied to the marines, where he got scooped up by Manta.

Now, on a submarine filled with adults who, while not sleep deprived, _do_ crave their caffeine, he became the go-to guy for anything more complicated than instant powder. He started spending his time in the break room more and more... entirely by accident. It didn't matter that his heart wasn't in the job (money was still tight); he did it entirely because his teammates depended on him. That's the only reason.

(Uh huh, and what's his excuse for taking that helmet off, is Kaldur's question. He knows Allan had a crush on Tigress; he can deny it all he wants, but Kal knows his fiancee.)

(The crowd "ah"s knowingly and Artemis presses a hand to her bulging belly with a slight blush as Wally looks at her with questioning curiosity. It's nothing, she says. Drop it.)

Whatever the reason for the change, suddenly Allan had a name and a personality and—could it be—friends? He knew everything that went on the submarine via gossip in the break room—really, at this point, he was more of a morale booster for the crew than an actual soldier—and, with his keen mind, figured out Kaldur was a traitor and still a superhero long before this fact ever came to light for the rest of them. Even helped him keep his cover a few times.

Allan really needed the money, but killing folk kinda clashed with his personal moral compass.

(What, Kaldur asks. This is the first time he's hearing of any of this. He knew all that time?)

('Course Allan knew. What kinda chump does Kal take him for?) (Okay, actually, he just overheard Tigress call Sportsmaster Dad during Sportsmaster and Cheshire's break-in and figured out the rest from there. Shh, it still counts. Shut up, fiancee! He's trying to tell the magical tale of how they got to where they are, here! A little respect would be nice, he says with a chuckle.)

(Kaldur wets his lips and tries to hide a smile as Allan turns back to their audience, most of whom are hearing anything about their history for the first time.)

He checked up regularly on Manta's son when the latter seemed incapacitated in every way and, after his recovery, nursed the blond man back to health with coffee and stories.

What else was the resident morale booster supposed to do while his direct commander was in no shape to fight for three whole weeks?

(Uh, Kaldur interrupts with a grimace. He never believed a word of those stories. Sorry.)

(Well, that was the entire point. Laughter is the best medicine, Allan argues. Has he _never_ seen Patch Addams?)

(No, he has not.)

(Get out! They need to have a Robin Williams movie marathon pronto. Anyway, those daily visits to Kal's room, watching the man lift weights, muscles rippling and sweat running down his arms, was kinda the point Allan's crush switched from Tigress to him. Thank Miss Martian for their necessity.)

(M'gann quickly grabs a glass out of Conner's hand and gulps its contents down in one go.) (It's whiskey.) (What?)

Then, when Kaldur outed himself (uh, no, Allan means as a traitor) and Black Manta got captured, the entire crew fell apart and scattered. The son never looked back, the father could only see his prison cell, and everyone else had no choice but to move forward.

But they'd made an impression on each other.

(And by impression Allan means he had Kaldur's abs memorized for years.) (Still does, actually.)

(Stop meaning things.)

(His side of the story shhhhhh.)

(For the love of.)

Okay, so… fast forward a few years and they meet again, this time on opposing sides, and try to take each other out and it _so_ does not work.

Evenly matched in every way. (This time it's Kaldur who's smug.)

Fast forward _another_ few years to them meeting in civilian garb by accident and, boy, sparks just _fly_.

(Really, Allan asks. Kal would call them sparks?)

(They literally met by a construction site with metal work. Literally. _Literal. Sparks._)

(Oh.)

(But metaphorical ones, too, he assures Allan.)

(_Oh._)

And now it's a decade after they first laid eyes on each other('s helmets) and here they are. So in love it's ridiculous. Ah, memories.

* * *

At their wedding, it goes like this:

They worked side by side on the wrong part of the tracks for a while, but didn't really know each other. Not enough to differentiate from just another commander or another troop.

Something happened after, but neither really recalls it with clarity, so they omit it.

Then they met again, like, six years later, and didn't even remember they knew each other.

Y'know. Because they were helmet heads. And Kaldur only used to remove his in front of his dad or in privacy. Much like the rest of the troops.

Then it was this big whole romantic comedy (or maybe shojo manga, Allan muses) thing where they met and started dating—the attraction was immediate and Kaldur was finally over Tula (and some other long relationship)—and it went on for months, in civilian lives, until one day they met in a battle and Allan saw his face.

(He never really got why some superheroes wear masks and others don't. Aqualad and Miss Martian, maybe, 'cause they're not exactly human, but Superman? Black Canary? Zatanna? How are their workplaces not swarmed with adoring fans?)

(Off-topic.)

(Oh, right. So the pivotal moment.)

His heart basically stopped when he saw Kaldur fighting against him with such admirable precision and skill. He took his own mask off with shaky fingers in the corner they'd occupied and stared at his boyrfriend with a sinking chest.

(He really looked like a sad, lost puppy, Kaldur adds.)

(Wait, really? Allan thought he was being strong and guarded at this heartbreaking revelation.)

(Well, his memory might be faulty, Kaldur says, but he's pretty sure they were both dumbstruck and silent for half an hour.)

(Artemis corroborates this, having stumbled upon the two of them gazing at each other with shocked, numb expressions after the fight was over. She recognized Allan immediately.)

(Wally examines her once more with an amused grin.)

(What, the coffee was really good.)

After the initial shock wore off, they got together to figure this thing out. Did they want to continue? If yes (spoiler alert: it was yes), then how could they continue to fight on opposing sides and be together at the same time?

Kaldur explained with tight lips how such a situation nearly tore apart his best friend's marriage. Then, after a few months' trial run where they both put their alter egos to rest for a while and gave it a shot as simply Kaldur and simply Allan, the latter ended up switching sides.

Which is why he's now mission control for the League's covert teenager team and all five of its sub-teams.

(_And_ moral booster. Do not forget that part, new husband.)

(A fine morale booster he is, Kaldur agrees without a hint of sarcasm. Shame they don't get to work together more often.)

(Yeah, they should really do something about that.)

(Hmmm.)

(Hmmm.) (Anyway.)

That's the story of how they got into a relationship. Any questions?

* * *

On their fifth wedding anniversary, the story they tell their son is more like this:

They met around nine years ago and fell in love instantly in a construction field where each says they saved the other from a falling brick. History stays mum on the subject of whether it actually ever happened.

Explosions erupted in the background as a true love's kiss was shared, like, five minutes later and they never ever had any arguments. Ever.

Oh, right, and they worked together that one time before. Huh.

* * *

On their fifteenth anniversary, they tell everyone that:

They were kids when they met! No, not that time when they were barely out of actual teenhod. The other one. When they were both just out of long relationships and looking for a rebound. That has somehow lasted twenty years. Freaking twenty years! It's ridiculous!

What were they even thinking, getting married?

(Uh huh, their son says, not paying attention. Talk to him when this weird phase of marital exhaustion is over.)

(This is not a phase, they say. They are getting a divorce.)

(That's what they said two years ago when he hit puberty, he says. And another three before that, when all of them were on a vacation with the in-laws. And another four before that when he started school and suddenly had to be driven to clubs and practices and other places. He means really. They'll get over it in a few weeks. In the meantime, he'll be in his room.)

* * *

On the day their son comes back from college and moves all his stuff out from their house, they get drunk and tell everyone at a bar some story about a one-night-stand in Gotham.

* * *

By the time they're eighty, they're both halfway convinced they met while Allan worked undercover as an evil barista.

Don't ask why.

They just do.

* * *

None of it was ever recorded and the story takes a lot of shapes over the years—which the right one is remains a mystery for as long as they both shall live—but there's one thing that never ever changes in any version of it.

They love each other.

The end.

* * *

**A/N:** If you enjoyed this pairing, let me know (and spread the word :P). Everyone immediately paired Coffee Pot Guy with Artemis; no one even thought about poor Kaldur. Sigh. (Also, if you do not know by now, Word of God heavily implied that Kaldur is canonically bisexual.) And as always, this is the same continuity as all my other DC Marriage Week fics. Check out my profile for the rest of them.


End file.
